she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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