I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
