I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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