I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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