So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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