he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
