I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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