How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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