Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
