I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
