he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
