Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
