i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize