If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
