you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The best revenge is premature balding
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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