i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
we're so committed to being not committed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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