I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
