I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
