I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
