So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
