I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Small penises have feelings too.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
