I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
