the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The power of my boobs compel you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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