Sacagawea was the original milf.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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