my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
