my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
