Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
