He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
