youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize