don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
