Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
