Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
