I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
