You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
