She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
