FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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