Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
