this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
