Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize