Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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