just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
