drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
