dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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