i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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