I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
