I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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