my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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