I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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