He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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