Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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