I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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