i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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