Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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