Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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