i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
