I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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