I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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