tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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