dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize