How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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