halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
