I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
