I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
