I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
