You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
