at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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