You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
