Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
