Soap is not a condiment
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
